I want to dissolve the fear in my life. I want to live from a place of trust and openness, and not let insecurity get in my way. I’ve decided that in order to do that I need to acknowledge my fears and then wish them goodbye, not let them have power over me.
Most of my fears stem from my past. Growing up in a wealthy community, but not coming from a wealthy family, I looked around me and constantly made comparisons and judgments about myself. I figured out what I needed to do, wear and say in order to be accepted. I bought into the whole popularity contest, though no one pushed me into it. I brain washed myself into thinking I needed to ‘be all’ and ‘do all’ tot ultimately be popular. Funny thing is, I don’t know now if I ever was.
What I do know is that now I’m left with a hangover in my 40’s that still tells me to do whatever it takes to be liked and please others. Finally, years ago Art said to me, “Allison, we are going out on a date tonight and you are going to pick the place.” At that point I didn’t even want to make the decision of where to eat because I wanted him to be happy. I’m sure now that Art has awakened the independent beast inside of me he wishes he could go back in time. I know what I want all the time now.
I still struggle with friendships. Growing up, the only friend I can remember that I really trusted, that I knew truly cared about me was a girl named Marnie Reed. We spent the summers in Colorado together riding horses, playing tennis and talking about life. Back home in Texas, I seemed to put on the smile, agree with everyone else and do whatever it took to be liked. I was kicked out of the popular group in middle school, never had guys that liked me except from other schools ( as a senior in high school I was nominated for homecoming queen but no one asked me to be their date so I asked a guy from another school) and just felt confused as to who I was and where I belonged. I still carry that empty feeling with me at times and have to dig deep to go to a party even if I know everyone.
My writing. Sometimes I’m afraid that the things I write are stupid. I’m not eloquent or particularly funny. I’m honest but often I feel like I’m thin crystal that breaks too easily. I want to be a thick, beautifully beveled crystal bowl that can survive if dropped.
So, what am I afraid of? I have it all. A husband that loves me for exactly who I am and cherishes my quirkiness (he calls me a Texas twit), two boys that are there for me all of the time, a great life in Aspen and a bulldog that thinks I am the best dog mom in the world because I’m the one that feeds her. Really! I have it all.
I have nothing to be afraid of. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. Who said that anyway? Well, I guess all I’m saying is that I need to stay focused on what I do have and all that I love and drop the rest. Sometimes it just feels good to talk about it.